Burden of Body Image

Posted on June 27, 2011 by recoverme

It’s amazing how a reflection in the mirror gauges my self-esteem for the day. Today, I went to the gym, did a typical workout and felt good when us I was done. While I was changing in the locker room and bent over to grab my shirt, I saw it…BELLY ROLLS!! Immediately guilt kicked and my anxiety surged. I worked out, I did ab work and lifted weights and felt good until I saw my gross gut. I wanted to change back in my gym clothes and go for another run, or maybe do an obscene amount of sit-ups, anything to make my stomach go away FAST. And then I remembered that I told my fiance I would be on my home a few minutes earlier. My fiance, he loves me no matter what, tall or short, fat or thin, he loves me. It was that realization that got me to walk out of the gym. Even after leaving the gym and getting home to my loving fiance, I still didn’t fell good about my appearance. Frumpy, bloated, fat and unattractive…That’s how I felt.

The evening goes on, and I’m trying to keep busy working on wedding stuff to avoid thinking about the image of my stomach rolls. Ugh, those damn rolls, which I know in reality is just my skin and probably bulged because I just drank a gallon of water after my workout.

Now I await for bed, to crawl under the covers and pray for strength to overcome my eating disorder. I pray for acceptance of my new body after years of starvation. I also pray for guidance in my life and for God to show me the reason why I was cursed with this awful disease. Some day I’ll see myself as beautiful.

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Addiction

Posted on June 19, 2011 by recoverme

Recovering from any addiction is a very hard thing to do, but recovering from an eating disorder is one of the hardest. Alcoholics and smokers remove the culprits of their addictions (booze and cigarettes), but take away food from someone with an eating disorder? You can’t do that, although many anorexics think it’s the correct solution. It’d be so much easier if you didn’t have to eat, didn’t have to think about fat and calories and your body shape. But the reality is you need to eat to live, and eating is your worst enemy. Then you look at the influence the media has on young men and woman about body image. Every celebrity is slim and trim, buff and toned, flawless and beautiful. Then there is the office talk of people saying how they need to lose weight, and they can’t eat that cupcake etc. It drives me crazy! I’m this world where there is so much focus on our bodies and looks, it’s no wonder everyone and their neighbor seem to be on antidepressants or have some form of disordered eating.

It breaks my heart when I hear my six year old niece tell me she’s got a big belly and that she is heavy compared to her cousin. She’s only six and yet already has insecurities about her body. I pray that she doesn’t end up down the same path that I did. Here I am ten years into my illness and STILL trying to maintain in recovery. The world can be cruel and heartless, but remember your values and morals. God made you in his perfect image, the words I repeat to myself over and over everyday.

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Over a Year

Posted on June 13, 2011 by recoverme

It has been over a year since my last entry. Much has changed in my life, I have a new job that I have been at for almost a year. I am getting married to the most amazing man and I couldn’t be happier to start our life together. Another huge change is I have stopped meeting with my eating disorder therapist. I was sick of the medical bills and sick of taking time out of my busy week to go downtown Fargo to meet with her.

I think about where I was in my life and how far I have come. From days that I ate fewer calories than I burned off at the gym the same day to days where I listen to body and make choices of what I’d like to eat and if I make it to the gym that day. I eat to live, not live to eat. My mind has changed from thinking about food endlessly for hours on end, to thinking about spending time with my fiance, friends and family. Working out isn’t a priority in my life as it has been in the past, instead of focusing on calories burned I focus on how much faster I am at running or much more my legs can bench press. My legs feel like steel beams and I am proud to say I am in the best shape of my life; granted I am only 26, it still feels awesome.

Not everyday is a bed of roses, I still struggle almost daily with the image in the mirror. My body image is still out of whack, and as my therapist said it’s the last thing to come around in recovering from any eating disorder. It’s a female flaw that we must compare ourselves to other women, I find myself comparing my body to other girls I work with or random people on the street. “How is she so thin and can eat that piece of cake?” “I bet she has an eating disorder” “I wonder what size jeans she wears, am I thinner than her?” The list goes on, some days I never have a negative thought like this but other days when the flood gate opens, it flows.

Everyday is a new battle, sometimes and easy fight and other times a bloody battle that leads to restricting food and excessive exercise. Because I know that recovery is a slow and steady race, but I know with time and support from my family and friends I will someday eat a piece of cake AND ice-cream without throwing half away or opting for the smallest piece, and I will someday look at myself in the mirror and thank God for making my body beautiful, but until that time comes I focus on my daily successes and keep ignoring the dreaded eating disorder voice in my head.

Until next time, remember God made you in his perfect image.

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Busy Busy

Posted on April 9, 2010 by recoverme

I haven’t had any time to write. With Easter last weekend and work starting to get busier I feel like I don’t have time to just sit back and relax. I’m constantly running around doing something.

The past few weeks have been going pretty well, with the beautiful weather and shining sun I have motivation back. The winter blahs defiantly got to me and put me in depression. I talked with my therapist the other day about my challenges and successes. With her there to help me I was able to acknowledge more of my successes when fighting ED verses me dwelling on all of my failures. Hearing someone else tell me what a great job I am doing was a great feeling. I felt like a child who just received a gold star. I was also surprised to learn that my weight has stayed stable through the past four months, so even on the days that i feel 10 pounds heavier than the day before I know it couldn’t have happened. It really opened my eyes as to how my mind is still so distorted, but yet I am able to continue to fight ED. 

My body image is still crappy, it’s the hardest thing in recovery to get a grasp on. My body can remain the same daily for months, but still everyday I feel it changes from one extreme to the next. I just need to stay on my meal plan, exercise healthy and continue to see my therapist. My boyfriend is still amazing and he continues to support me. He asked me what he can do to help me. That in itself was all I needed, just someone to tell me they are here for me. My sister is still going to the gym with me, I look forward to our workouts together. It makes me feel even better to know that i am helping my sister achieve a healthier lifestyle and in return she is helping me keep a healthy relationship with exercise.

It hasn’t been all wine and roses, I have my daily struggles with eating and dealing with the aftermath of eating. My mind will occasionally go nuts calculating calories and fat, but I don’t dwell on it long. I have started a ritual before falling asleep, I’ll lay in bed thinking of all the pros and cons of my eating disorder. I haven’t come up with a pro yet, that’s a great thing. It’s keeping things in perspective for me to see all the things ED has taken from me and all the things I am regaining with kicking him in the butt. My baby steps are starting to accumulate into bigger strides, it feels good.

 

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Baby on the Brain

Posted on March 30, 2010 by recoverme

I have around babies quite a bit lately. My niece, my friend’s babies and baby showers. It’s hard not to get wrapped up in the hype of wanting one myself. I have thought how I would deal with my body changing if I were to get pregnant. How would I handle it? What if I relapsed? Could I safely exercise? Would I eat enough to keep the baby healthy and growing? Part of me thinks I would really enjoy being pregnant and love that I would finally get to eat all the things I have deprived myself of. Other parts of me think I would go backwards and relapse. Both are scary scenarios. I am so fascinated by pregnancy and birth I hope that one day I do get to experience it. Of course I hope to get married as well, I’ll deal with that first hopefully before dealing with a baby. And in the meantime I am going to continue to enjoy taking care of my friends babies and appreciate my full nights of sleep. I need to be able to take care of myself before I can take care of another human being. 

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Salty Thoughts

Posted on March 26, 2010 by recoverme

I decided I need to make a change in my dietary habits. Lower my sodium intake and increasing my fiber. I have been feeling extra puffy the past few weeks and I know that the pickles I love to eat, pop I like to drink and crackers and refined carbs I like to snack on aren’t helping. Today is day one, I had one can of pop. It will be hard, but I know I will feel better in the long wrong. My boyfriend is trying to do the same so it will help having him to support me, i guess we’ll support each other.

My sister has been coming with me to the gym and I really like that. It’s a healthy way to keep in touch with each other. I have noticed myself keeping with her pace, which is good. Normally I would over do it and kill myself in order to achieve the "perfect" calorie burning goal. I never thought it would be so helpful to have her there. It makes the workout go by faster too.

Another thing I am trying to do is to keep crappy binge food out of my apt. Now that means that some weeks I may not have a lot of "grab and eat" type of food. I have noticed that when I get home after a stressful day I would much rather grab a box of sugary cereal or cookies and veg. out on the couch instead of eat a balanced meal. That’s where the refined carbs come in. I don’t feel satisfied and I am often left feeling sluggish and bloated. It will be a difficult change to accomplish, but I plan to take it one day at a time. Bad habits die hard.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to reduce sodium from your diet or what foods are good in complex carbs? Just wondering. Wish me luck.

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Salty Thoughts

Posted on March 26, 2010 by recoverme

I decided I need to make a change in my dietary habits. Lower my sodium intake and increasing my fiber. I have been feeling extra puffy the past few weeks and I know that the pickles I love to eat, pop I like to drink and crackers and refined carbs I like to snack on aren’t helping. Today is day one, I had one can of pop. It will be hard, but I know I will feel better in the long wrong. My boyfriend is trying to do the same so it will help having him to support me, i guess we’ll support each other.

My sister has been coming with me to the gym and I really like that. It’s a healthy way to keep in touch with each other. I have noticed myself keeping with her pace, which is good. Normally I would over do it and kill myself in order to achieve the "perfect" calorie burning goal. I never thought it would be so helpful to have her there. It makes the workout go by faster too.

Another thing I am trying to do is to keep crappy binge food out of my apt. Now that means that some weeks I may not have a lot of "grab and eat" type of food. I have noticed that when I get home after a stressful day I would much rather grab a box of sugary cereal or cookies and veg. out on the couch instead of eat a balanced meal. That’s where the refined carbs come in. I don’t feel satisfied and I am often left feeling sluggish and bloated. It will be a difficult change to accomplish, but I plan to take it one day at a time. Bad habits die hard.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to reduce sodium from your diet or what foods are good in complex carbs? Just wondering. Wish me luck.

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Salty Thoughts

Posted on March 26, 2010 by recoverme

I decided I need to make a change in my dietary habits. Lower my sodium intake and increasing my fiber. I have been feeling extra puffy the past few weeks and I know that the pickles I love to eat, pop I like to drink and crackers and refined carbs I like to snack on aren’t helping. Today is day one, I had one can of pop. It will be hard, but I know I will feel better in the long wrong. My boyfriend is trying to do the same so it will help having him to support me, i guess we’ll support each other.

My sister has been coming with me to the gym and I really like that. It’s a healthy way to keep in touch with each other. I have noticed myself keeping with her pace, which is good. Normally I would over do it and kill myself in order to achieve the "perfect" calorie burning goal. I never thought it would be so helpful to have her there. It makes the workout go by faster too.

Another thing I am trying to do is to keep crappy binge food out of my apt. Now that means that some weeks I may not have a lot of "grab and eat" type of food. I have noticed that when I get home after a stressful day I would much rather grab a box of sugary cereal or cookies and veg. out on the couch instead of eat a balanced meal. That’s where the refined carbs come in. I don’t feel satisfied and I am often left feeling sluggish and bloated. It will be a difficult change to accomplish, but I plan to take it one day at a time. Bad habits die hard.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to reduce sodium from your diet or what foods are good in complex carbs? Just wondering. Wish me luck.

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Salty Thoughts

Posted on March 26, 2010 by recoverme

I decided I need to make a change in my dietary habits. Lower my sodium intake and increasing my fiber. I have been feeling extra puffy the past few weeks and I know that the pickles I love to eat, pop I like to drink and crackers and refined carbs I like to snack on aren’t helping. Today is day one, I had one can of pop. It will be hard, but I know I will feel better in the long wrong. My boyfriend is trying to do the same so it will help having him to support me, i guess we’ll support each other.

My sister has been coming with me to the gym and I really like that. It’s a healthy way to keep in touch with each other. I have noticed myself keeping with her pace, which is good. Normally I would over do it and kill myself in order to achieve the "perfect" calorie burning goal. I never thought it would be so helpful to have her there. It makes the workout go by faster too.

Another thing I am trying to do is to keep crappy binge food out of my apt. Now that means that some weeks I may not have a lot of "grab and eat" type of food. I have noticed that when I get home after a stressful day I would much rather grab a box of sugary cereal or cookies and veg. out on the couch instead of eat a balanced meal. That’s where the refined carbs come in. I don’t feel satisfied and I am often left feeling sluggish and bloated. It will be a difficult change to accomplish, but I plan to take it one day at a time. Bad habits die hard.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to reduce sodium from your diet or what foods are good in complex carbs? Just wondering. Wish me luck.

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Scattered Thoughts

Posted on March 22, 2010 by recoverme

I’ve been pretty busy since my last blog post, besides that I didn’t really feel like writing with my negative mood. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me, so I decided to wait to write until my mood improved. I’m happy to say that it has. I had a really good weekend with my family back home. It felt so good to play with my nieces and spend time with my family. It makes every worry of mine disappear, if only for a few minutes, hours or days. I know they love me no matter what and those are some of the best things in life. 

It’s a constant struggle with my body image. My therapist thinks that because my weight is still low that it is having an effect on how I see me. I can understand that my mind isn’t thinking as clearly as it could, and I do know that if I were at a healthier weight my mentality would probably improve as well. I just am terrified of gaining weight. What if I gain 10 pounds? It’ll be the heaviest I have been in six years, that’s scary for me. Really scary. It’d be like an obese person losing half their body weight and still seeing themselves as a big person. Their mind hasn’t caught up with there body. It’s a process that takes so long and is so messed up. When I talked to my boyfriend about my body dismorphia and how I thought I was fat he told me "stop thinking like that, your hot." OK, well that’s all fine but it’s not what I wanted to hear or what I needed to hear. I needed for him to tell me I am beautiful on the inside or some crap like that. I didn’t want to hear Your Hot. He was trying to help and trying to make me feel better but in the end it help at all. I guess if I were in his position I wouldn’t know what to say either. Our society is brought up to believe that you aren’t successful unless you have beauty, glamour and a rail thin body.

I see it already affecting my 5-year-old niece. She wanted to get a swimsuit that covered her stomach because everyone says she has a big belly. That breaks my heart. My little monkey, only five and already ashamed of her body. My sister was so shocked when she heard this as well as myself. People need to be aware that children are sponges and they take in everything, even when you think they aren’t listening. I just want to slap the people who told her she has a big belly. She doesn’t. SHe is the cutest little girl, with the cutest little shape. I know my sister will raise her in a home that doesn’t revolve around body shape, food and exercise. She doesn’t want her children to go through what I have gone through. 

The anorexic girl is still working out at the gym, she looks awful but there is nothing I can do. I feel like a horrible person watching her kill herself like that, the reality is if she doesn’t see for herself that she needs to make a change nothing anybody says to her will influence her, especially a complete stranger. 

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