The last few days have been really busy for me, which is good. I haven’t had much time to focus on food, exercise, weight and calories. My anxiety has lowered to a manageable level and doesn’t consume my day. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel again.
I finally got to talk to my friend who recently had a baby. It was nice to talk, her baby is a month old and that’s how long it’s been since I last talked to her. We had a lot of catching up to do and I can finally get off the pity train and stop feeling sorry for myself that I don’t have any friends. My important friends are there, but their lives are changing and it makes talking and seeing each other more difficult.
My sister hasn’t been able to make our workout dates. She never showed up last week, but it’s not the first time. I was bummed she didn’t come and my eating disorder was ecstatic. It was time to play! Over exercise! (Sarcasm) I did over exercise, and I also under ate that day. The worst part was the instant self-gratification, it wasn’t me feeling proud or overpowered it was my eating disorder. I was exhausted, tired and ended up going to bed early because of it. The next day I didn’t go to the gym to avoid the same cycle. It was tough to drive past the gym on my way home, but I knew it was the healthiest option for my body and me.
To let my eating disorder I mean business I have also challenged myself with eating “scary” or “bad” foods. Melty cheese nachos, steak, French fries and banana bars. Granted I didn’t eat these all at the same time, that would have been a mental break down. I had them at different meals mixed with “safer” options so it wouldn’t appear so scary, and it wasn’t. I handled it well and didn’t go run on a treadmill for an hour or hide a corner feeling guilty. I was able to accept what I ate and move on to my next activity. Staying busy was a key component this weekend, and I thank my boyfriend for being such a social butterfly.
I hope the past few days are a positive outlook on the days to come. Recovery is a one step forward, two steps back sort of game, but I think this last weekend I took two steps forward. I’m proud of myself.
Woohoo! Keep it up!