Evil Scale

I don’t remember the last time I weighed myself. Of course I get weighed every time I see my doctor or see my EDI therapist, but it has always been a “blind” weight. I have a scale under my bathroom sink which I used to hop on daily to make sure my weight hadn’t went up and hope that it would go down. It was a crazy obsession. There were even times I would pack my scale along when I went on vacations or visited my family back home. No one ever knew, it was my little secret. Needless to say, I was addicted to my scale. It was my best friend and yet, my worst enemy. The number that appeared in the window would determine my mood for the entire day, what I eat, how much I would exercise and how I felt about my self. I never expected a number to have such a powerful effect on me. In my past treatments I was often told, “you can’t weigh your self-esteem.” But how do you tell someone that who lives, breathes and eats for the number on the scale? I went along with what others told me, that I am more than a number, God made me in his perfect image and you are beautiful, blah, blah, blah. I’d hear everything but could never believe it.

I haven’t weighed myself in over six months. Let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy. I am tempted every morning to pull out the scale from under my sink to see the evil number. Why don’t I get rid of the scale? It’s my eating disorder holding on the hope, that someday I will come back and worship it. Also, it’s a reminder to me as a person how farm I have come in my recovery. Every time I see the scale I am filled with anxiety and fear. I don’t want to know the number, I am scared to see how my healthier lifestyle as affected my weight and it doesn’t matter anymore. My weight is just a number, why should it have such powerful reigns on me? The only people who know my weight are my doctor and therapist. My last therapy appointment I voiced that my eating disorder was hopeful my weight went down. She then asked me how I would feel if it went down, how would it affect what I ate or what I did? Would I be happy? What would it prove about me as a person? Would people like me more? Etc. I sat there for a while before I told her I didn’t have a logical answer for any of the questions. Everything that came to me was eating disorder related. Skinny = power, beauty, bones = strength and full = fat.

My therapist was great with helping me work through the nasty ED thoughts and I left my appointment feeling more empowered to fight this beast. Her confidence in me has helped me to believe I can overcome ED. I don’t know if anyone ever recovers 100% from an eating disorder, but I do know that with the help and guidance I am receiving, I will someday be able think of myself as beautiful and accept myself for who I am.